Going commando to church. Do I dare?
I pride myself on being raised a cowgirl. My dad was a Texas cowboy, and he raised my sister and I to wrangle horses, shovel out stalls, throw hay bales, and never mind the dirt or the muck. We got thrown off and got back on, we hopped on our favorite quarter horse and rode him around the pasture without saddle or bridle, and we dodged wild dogs and rattlesnakes on trail rides. We weren’t Texas tough, but we were about as tough as two California girls could get in a Northern California suburb town in the coastal hills.
But you wouldn’t think a cowgirl would have a hard time losing her hair.
So far I’ve been able to rely on some innate strength, courage, and bravado to navigate the last few months of breast cancer. I’ve gathered strength from family, friends, and God. Just remembering that he has a plan for my life has given me peace that this illness is more than some sort of random maelstrom with an unknown conclusion. God is at work, and he has a plan.
Even facing my first surgery, and then my second, I felt pretty peaceful. I remember the night before the mastectomy, looking at my breast and saying goodbye to a part of my body that had been part of my womanhood and nurtured both my children. It was hard, but I felt peace. I was sacrificing a breast for good health and a future. It seemed a fair trade.
After I recovered from the second surgery, chemotherapy loomed. There are many, many, many potential side effects. There are thick booklets and manuals and classes to inform you of the variety of ways in which chemo will impact your life. For starters, there’s the more common things like stomach problems, and fatigue. Your white and red blood cells are impacted, which can lead to infections and anemia. And then there are the more odd and obscure effects, like the impact on your fingernails and toenails (they can actually come off!), neuropathy (your hands and feet can get numb and lose sensation), and loss of taste (your tastebuds die out and everything tastes the same. I can taste pretty spicy things–I had a turkey sandwich today with pepper jack cheese, garlic spread, and dijon mustard that I enjoyed. But bland food tastes like rubber, cardboard, styrofoam or playdough depending on the texture.)
But of all of the things I’ve faced so far, the hardest, so far, has been the prospect of losing my hair. My mom (partly disabled, who lives with us) kept trying to reassure me with some charismatic type pronouncements of “You are not going to lose your hair.” But I knew it was inevitable; the oncologist said the hair comes out two weeks after the first treatment.
With my fuzzy headed bro-in-law, David
And from the very first pathology report that indicated I would need chemo, losing my hair has frightened me. It’s such a primal experience. It exposes your head, which hasn’t seen the light of day since infancy. It takes away a major marker of femininity. It throws your features into the spotlight (my big nose! My crooked smile!) It sets you apart from most other women. It slots you into the ranks of the seriously ill. It makes people stare at you. And feel sorry for you. It makes you look weak. You have to make the decision of how to cover your head: scarf? Cap? Hat? Wig? Or…going commando and just proudly wearing your bald head out into the world.
This last Sunday I wore a wig to church for the first time. It was excruciating. It needed some trimming and shaping because it was just too bulky. I felt so self-conscious, like I was walking around with a big black mop on my head. I thought about myself all during the service (sorry, God), and at Chipotle after I almost broke into tears at the table feeling sorry for myself. Somehow having no hair kicked my butt. What happened to my inner cowgirl? How have I been able to face surgery and chemo, but not the thought of being bald? I feel like such a weak willed wimp.
Then something happened Sunday on the way out of church. We were walking down the steps in a hurry (so I didn’t have to talk to anybody or see them look at my wig) and I noticed a young guy walking slowly in front of us. He had his arm bent awkwardly across the front of his body. When I got closer, I noticed that he had a deformity. His right wrist and hand were mangled and twisted together, and he held it gently across the front of his body. He walked slowly, alone, with grace and composure. And the sight rocked me.
His hand had somehow been taken from him, and it’s not going to grow back. He can’t use it. It’s very visible, and I’m sure he gets stared at often. Yet, and yet, he’s alive. He’s happy. He’s beautiful. And he’s a survivor. I, on the other hand, had been obsessing over the temporary shutdown of some hair follicles as a side effect to medication that will give me a better chance at future health. I had been obsessed with myself and as I walked behind the young guy I saw a different, less self conscious, more gracious way of living. I want that. And if giving up my hair will move me further along that path, I accept it.
I’m going to try it again. I’m going back to church this Sunday. And my goal is to center on God and his goodness and faithfulness. Not my fuzzy little head.
So here’s where you come in. I need your help. I’m taking a poll. Should I wear my wig (which I’ve since had trimmed and it looks pretty good)? Or should I wear a hat? Or go commando and wear nothing? Whatever the results say, I’m going to do. Hair, or lack of it, is trivial. I’m not going to let not having hair take up any time or emotions or spiritual energy. It’s just hair, darnit!
Leave me a comment: Go to church commando, hat, or wig? It’s your call.
26 Responses 
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SUSY FLORY is a writer, speaker, and journalist who inspires and challenges women to embrace a life of passion, boldness, & adventure. In your own unique way, YOU can change the world, starting in your own backyard. 
I looked at the picture and the first thing I saw was your dimples. Honestly, the missing hair drew me to all the sweet featuers on your face, the way your eyes smile and how nicely your eyebrows frame your face (oops – maybe they’re next). If you just don’t want to have to answer questions, wig works. Voting is tough. Would I go commando? MAYBE. I’d like to think I would. My vote is commando, but if it’s cold, go hat.
Wow! I think it was very brave of you to post the photo in either case. You look fine and can now go with an entirely new style in the process. It was also smart since many people can sit and stare at your image, in the privacy of their homes, and not offend you. With that out of the way, I think you’ll look ok however you go so I would lean toward comfort more than anything. If a hat/cap/scarf is more comfortable then do that. High five from Chicago!
More power to you! It takes a beautiful person to rock a shaved head and you are rocking it!!!
I agree with Claire. The first thing I noticed in that picture was your beautiful smile and pretty eyes. Your daughter looks like you
I’d go with what feels most comfortable and natural. When I have a bad hair day I wear a hat. You are very beautiful, more noticable with less hair- go figure. I love your heart. Thank you for sharing your cowgirl heart- awsome- commando/hat my vote 
Oh you sweet lady! I love your adorable face regardless of hair. It is your open and friendly smile which magnetically draws people to you. It is amazing that something as “simple” as hair will affect us so emotionally and I applaud you for your frank and honest comments. My heart just skipped a beat to think that I saw you on Sunday and didn’t come over to say hi when you just might have needed an encouraging smile…you looked great by the way! As far as whether you go commando or not doesn’t matter but if you do I would opt for the hat since it has been so cold! You are dearly loved by many and as Lindsey said…you rock a shaved head well!
Commando…you look GREAT and definitely rockin’ it.
Wow! Not too shabby! I’ve always wondered what I’d look like without any hair. You pull it off very well ~ and I am very impressed with your confidence. Personally makes me more confident right along with you … ! I think people will adjust quickly to your new look and forget all about the “wonder what’s underneath the hat, scarf, etc. etc.” Either way, whatever makes you more comfortable. You go girl. Love you just the same!
Susy, you are more beautiful than ever. Hair defines no one. Go commando! But if it is cold – bring a cowgirl hat!
You look fantastic! Go for it.
Your beautiful smile says it all. That’s the first thing I noticed!!!! Remember, we came into this world with no hair….
I’m sure it will be cold so you can wear a hat there and take it off inside!! The light of Jesus shines from you — hair or no hair! Love you!
100% commando. You are absolutely beautiful! If they stare, it will be out of admiration for your grace, dignity, guts and beautiful smile!
The first thing I noticed was your smile. It’s fantastic and inspiring. I’d say go for it, but pack a hat in case it’s cold.
Suzy! Your strength, courage, and smile are breathtaking badges of beauty and victory. Hold your head high, cover for your warmth or comfort – but you have nothing to hide. You are beautiful! Let your light shine! God bless you!
“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. Matthew 5:14-16 (English Standard Version)
You are the picture of beauty – not the hollywood tripe: true beauty is your courage of faith in the face of adversity.
Way to rock the commando look, Suzy.
You have always inspired me – you continue to inspire me.
Peace on the journey, my friend.
I agree with Claire, I think it really brings out your bright and beautiful face!
Susy – I think without saying, since I shared with you my goddaughters fight with Alopecia, you know my vote! Hair does not define us (though I realize in many ways, it has). It is what’s within that does. And what is within you shines so brightly. Your courage, your stregnth, your faith, your true beauty. I agree with the others, your big smile, your bright eyes, that is what we now see first when we look at you (that and your perfectly shaped head!). In the end, it is a personal decision, and may just depend on the day, but I say if you can, Go commando…..Yee Haw!
Susy, I LOVE the picture. Your warm smile and beautiful eyes shine through. I agree with you, if I ever had breast cancer I think losing my hair would be one of the most difficult things. Oh, gosh, I can’t decide for you. Do what makes you feel the most comfortable. A friend of mine had beautiful scarves made. They accessorized her outfits. She wore a wig once, but didn’t feel comfortable. It’s funny, her hair is usually REALLY short, but somehow when she didn’t have hair from the chemo, it made her self-conscious. But like you, she had grace, dignity, and courage. Blessings!
Suzy, you look beautiful! It’s all about how you feel the most comfortable. By all means, trim the wig if you decide to wear it and shave your head so it stays put and doesn’t shift around. I would also suggest that you talk to your kids to get a feel for whether they’re okay with you going commando. I found that my son became extemely protective of me and any perceived slights or curiosity (he was 10), and I chose to wear a wig partly for him. I wore a stocking cap at home when his friends were around, and they all got used to it. But I didn’t have a cute, nicely shaped head like yours!
Susy: My cousin’s dtr is fighting ovarian cancer, she is 45ish. I just saw her pictures on facebook and she looked fabulous. Her hair is about an inch long and her smile, as yours, lights up her face. Before the hair grew back, she wore a large sun hat, big earrings and bright lipstick. You go girl. Cammando style, hat, wig in that order is my vote. You are a surviver.
WOW! Suzy your a very gifted writer. Where is the tissue.
I’m praying for yor healing to be complete. Matt 18:19-20 “where two or more are gathered”.
Please speak to Hank for healing prayer as I am traveling for work. Remember we spoke about all the miracles. Speak over your treatments in Jesus name, a name above all other names.
In June I had mystery lung infections which brought me within hours of taking my last breath. The Lord let me stay to share this with you and anyone who will receive. With His blood, Jesus Christ restored the authority of the spoken word, salvation and healing.
Call any time pray is free.
Now my vote Hats Hats and more Hats. Freedom of expression, french baret, padagonia chincilla with fur lining ,
something very comfortible or longer scarf in vibratent colors. Your beautiful and feminen “you work it girl” a quote from my black brother at work.
My dear and amazing friend,
As I have observed, like others in these comments, all I saw when I looked at your picture was your broad smile and gorgeous eyes. So if you want to go commando…do. But I have seen you with your wig and you look amazing in that so if you want to wear your wig….do.
Bottom line is when it comes time for church do what we do every day in front of the closet, decide what you want to do.
As such I you are kinda rockin a punk feel in the commando look so if you feel like Rockin the Casbah….everyone will have their fists up in solidarity!
Lorena
What’s funny is I saw my mom’s comment and thought the same thing! All I noticed in that picture was how beautiful you are. Your smile is still shining & your eyes sparkling. I wish I could have the strength to go commando, but I don’t know if I would. I say, rock it Susy! (ps I thought you were in my google reader, but apparently you weren’t
I’m just catching up!)
I think you look gorgeous, and we would all be happy to see your bright face on Sunday irregardless of the headgear. If I get a vote, it’s for Commando though. Thank you for sharing your beauty, inner and outer, with us.
You’ve already gone commando by posting your photo here and showing us all you’re still a beauty. Good for you! Now plop on a cute hat or a wig and keep that head warm and snuggie. It’s COLD out there!
Oh,Susy, you look adorable, I think. You have such a beautiful complexion and smile. Your eyes are bright and God’s Spirit is shining through your face. If I were you, I’d camp out on all the fun hats you can wear during this season. Thanks for the inspiring story re: the young man you saw leaving church. (sigh) We all need to be more sensitive. You are such an encouragement to me!
[...] I’m liking my Meg Ryan blond wig, lent by a friend. Who knew I could carry off platinum hair? I wrote a blog post about going out bald, or commando, but so far haven’t had the guts to do it. But I will. Pictures to [...]